Several years ago, a therapist told me that I had developed attachments to those who had been abusive to me.
Known as trauma bonds, this encompasses the victim being hurt feeling confused, afraid, scared, and dependent on the abuser. My counselor told me I had formed such relationships with my former abusive bosses. A trauma bond is developed between two people based on shared damage. You feel stuck in the relationship, walking on eggshells, and experience the need to constantly defend the abuser. It is unlikely for a trauma bond to turn into genuine love, according to experts.
Outside of getting professional support, you can break this cycle by educating yourself, focusing on the here and now, finding help, creating some space, practicing good self-care, making plans, giving yourself-permission to heal, exercise, journaling, listening to music, indulging in yoga, meditation, or Tai Chi, eating well, and spending time with trusted family and friends. You know you are in a trauma bond when you develop chronic anxiety and daily panic, still unable to leave the relationship.
It involves a foundation of abuse which hinges on harm, manipulation, control, shaming, gaslighting and sabotage mixed with moments of calm and relief.
The reason it’s so difficult for those involved in these situations is because they’re often preyed upon by and attracted to narcissists and abusers and feel trapped and unable to leave the relationship.  Victims will justify the abuse, defend the other person, lose themselves, keeping everything secret, isolating, unable to leave, have persistent loyalty, distancing from people trying to assist, criticizing, self-blame, employ fear of abandonment, being emotionally dependent, and hoping to change the abuser.
It's an intense emotional connection with the abuser, a psychological response to abuse. Another reason a victim may be hesitant to leave that person is when the other person has power over them. You experience withdrawal symptoms and neglect personal needs, according to research. I realize I don’t like the person, but I want love despite the abuse.
Not everyone who experiences abuse forms a trauma bond, but many childhood abuse survivors do so. It can be difficult to recognize and understand.  There isn’t a set time that it takes to recover from breaking a trauma bond.
Withdrawal symptoms include feeling isolated, lonely, and a sense of profound guilt or shame.
I had trauma bonds with my dad, friends, bosses, and boyfriends but it wasn’t until my current therapist introduced me to the term that I could clearly see it.
I remember playing a game with my abusive dad, which at the time when I was little was a fun unusual hide and seek game but as I grew older, I really was hiding from him. I’ve had so-called friends ghost me out of the blue and I never knew what happened. I have a relative who’s difficult to deal with and our conversations mainly consist of re-hashing the past and her telling me how I don’t do enough and neither does anyone else in the family meet her needs. I’ve had abusive bosses talk me into coming back to work for them even though I knew it was going to lead to nowhere. And I’ve had friendships go awry when I stood up for myself. Someone told me to set boundaries with a roommate, so I wrote her a letter during pre-Internet days only to come home around Thanksgiving to find all my stuff out on the balcony, resulting in me having to call the police.
Now I make a commitment to live in real time instead of hoping or expecting someone to change. I work with one day at a time, and sometimes just one moment piece meal. I understand the hook, the illusion, the fantasy. I had to cut off contact completely with two con artists I dated back-to-back as well as long distance dalliances. One of them got angry and kept trying to contact me but I blocked him. He didn’t like that he lost control which is typical of a narcissist.  Â
I don’t have to settle for crumbs any more or put out those feelers that that’s what I’m willing to take.